Father of an Angel

Tomorrow is Father’s Day.

Father’s Day is usually such a fun filled day in our house. Usually starting with my husband being woken up early by his son, stepson and daughter. The excitement on their faces as they gently open our bedroom door and greet him, by jumping on our bed! Then the exchanging of gifts and cards they have secretly kept hidden for days. Cards so carefully made at school can now be shown off.

The children then help me prepare his breakfast and quietly take it upstairs for him to enjoy in bed – I say ‘enjoy’ but for anyone who knows my husband well will know that he detests eating in bed! But he does the right thing and ‘enjoys’ his breakfast in bed. Although his tea may be too milky or his toast may be burnt he savours every last bit and tells the children it is the best tea and toast he has ever had. The joy on our children’s faces warms my heart. They are so proud of themselves.

The day then consists of a family day out, picnic in the park or ‘Dad’s Choice’ of restaurant. Either way, whatever we do, it’s together and we make happy memories.

Tomorrow will be slightly different. Although the cards the children have made are indeed safely hidden for the morning and we have planned a lovely day for him – hopefully the weather will be kind – But we all know there is one less card to open, one less present to unwrap, one less kiss to share, one less cuddle to recieve and one less person present in the memories we now create- there always will be.

Rebecca leaving us has broken my husbands heart. Unfortunately the stereotypical perception of a ‘mans’ way of dealing with grief – being that they go back to work, go back to life and move on – is so far beyond what’s real. Only the mothers of an angel know this is not the case – not in the slightest. Father’s are heartbroken too, they grieve, they hurt and yes, they cry. They too had dreams and hopes for their unborn child. Their hopes and dreams have been shattered too.

Father’s Day will be so hard, but my husband is still a father, a father to his son, his stepson and our daughter. He is now also a father to our angel daughter.

I wish him a gentle Father’s Day, surrounded with love, love from us all.

Don’t cry for me Daddy,

For I am right here.

Although you can’t see me,

I can see your tears.

I visit you often,

I go to work with you each day,

And when it’s time for you to close your eyes,

On your pillow is where I lay.

I hold your hand and stroke your hair,

And whisper in your ear.

If you’re sad today Daddy,

Remember, I am here.

God took me home,

This we know is true.

But you’ll always be my Daddy,

Even though I’m not with you.

We will never be apart,

For everytime you think of me,

Please know I’m in your Heart.



Just an insight…

So, just over 24 hours after making Rebecca’s story public this blog has had over 13,000 views, worldwide. This is thanks to Facebook and to everyone sharing it. I knew social media was great for these sorts of things which is why I decided to do it – admittedly this outlet was first going to be used to get signatures on the petition I will be starting (hopefully the government will pull their finger out soon to enable me to do this) But to be honest, the awareness is more important and this couldn’t wait.

People around the world are reading of the senseless death of our daughter, learning about a procedure most people would never have known about and most people will never need to know about. But one day you may come across someone who is pregnant, who has a breech baby, who is considering ECV. I’m sure you will remember that ‘poor baby who died’ Please share that memory – this mother-to-be will now know the added risk, this mother-to-be will now be able to make a more informed decision as to whether she attends for ECV.

This has already happened, word has got out. I have had private messages from women who were booked in for ECV. A few of these women weren’t even given a leaflet to make them aware of ANY risks. They were just booked in, no choice, no literature given, no advice. This is not fair. These women need to know. These women have decided not to attend their appointments.

Like I have said, none of this is to attack ECV, hospitals, midwives or doctors. I am just a firm believer that we should all be aware of any risks, no matter how small. These little babies whole worlds are turned literally upside down, they need more protection, more care and more monitoring.

I just wanted to give you all an insight as to how amazing this help has been.

Logging back on Facebook is a personal test in itself for me. I left due to nothing else mattering anymore – pointless posts, smiley faces etc – just isn’t relevant to me now. Facebook even emailed me to say ‘Welcome Back’. I felt like replying ” I’m not back, this isn’t me anymore, I’m a different person.” Which I am. I’m not on Facebook to scroll down and nose into other peoples lives, I won’t be sharing pointless stories of how amazing my children are (which they are!) I’m on Facebook for Rebecca, to help my new goal in life. Any posts you will see will be in relation to this awareness, petition and fundraising. This is to cause no offence to any friends, I still love you all and wish you all well in life but I just don’t have the time, emotional or mental capacity to scroll through and read it all. Don’t get me wrong, if you see you see me out and about I would love to stop and chat!!

It’s been over 3 months since my family’s lives changed – It’s not just me who has lost a child, my poor husband lost his daughter too, our 3 beautiful children lost their little sister, grandparents lost their granddaughter, brothers and sisters lost their niece and Rebecca’s cousins will always have one less person to play with at family gatherings. Anticipation of the announcement on Facebook of a healthy baby being born bewildered friends when they saw our announcement of her sudden death.

This is my first experience of grief, I was too young to understand fully when my beloved grandparents and Uncle passed away. Grief is soul destroying. It rips the innocence out of you, the naivety gets thrown out, your hopes and dreams turn to regrets and guilt. The guilt I personally feel has taken a huge part of me away. In my eyes, Rebecca died ‘under my watch’ she was inside of me, I should have protected her. But I failed. The guilt and regret that fills my soul will never leave. Grief doesn’t get smaller. The pain doesn’t get ease. The pain I feel now is the same I felt on the day Rebecca grew her wings, the pain will stay the same until the day I’m with her again.

I write this as I sit with my daughter, at her resting place – or as some parents like to call their ‘forever bed’. I sit here everyday. I talk to her, read with her, read to her, sometimes I just sit with silent tears falling. Her Daddy visits her each day after work. At weekends we visit as a whole family. Rebecca is, and always will be, such a huge part of our family.

I always knew Rebecca would be destined for great things. Just like our other 3 amazing children. Death hasn’t stopped Rebecca making her mark on the world. She would no doubt be so happy she has helped other parents and their babies, whether that’s through awareness, changes to ECV or the amazing donations to Swindon Sands – who really are a lifeline to these parents.

Sharing our daughters story with the world scared me a little at first. I wasn’t sure what reaction this would create. I didn’t want to hurt any family members by making this public, I know about internet trolls and how they can be so hurtful and just say things to be evil. But Ben and I discussed all this and came to a conclusion that Rebecca isn’t a secret, she isn’t something we hide, we’re not embarrassed nor ashamed. We talk about her to anyone that will listen, we can talk about her for hours. We thank her for being with us for those amazing 36 weeks, the precious days after her birth and days spent with her before her funeral. They mean everything to us. I’m so proud of her, but yet so sad she couldn’t stay and that’s exactly what she heard me say when we brought her here to this resting place. We are both so proud of her, we always will be.

Thank you all so much for reading her story. Whether you have donated, left a comment for us, shared my blog, intend to come back and sign our epetition or just had a quick read and left. Thank you. Ben and I are so thankful our daughter’s memory is being kept alive.

JustGiving - Sponsor me now!

Just Giving

So a huge thank you needs to go out straight away, I never thought Rebecca’s story would reach so many people so quick.

Unfortunately as previously said the government have put a stop to new ePetitions starting until the dust has settled after the general election.

But that doesn’t mean the awareness can’t make a head start.

I thought in the meantime I can spread the word about my Just Giving page where I am trying to raise money for my local Sands Charity who help parents like me who have lost a child through stillbirth.

Please take a look if you would like to see why I am looking for donations, if you would like more information on the Sands charity or if you would like to donate to my local Sands charity. I would appreciate any donations, no matter how small.

Thank you again xx

JustGiving - Sponsor me now!


Hello world!

This is my very first post.

I don’t have much to say other then thank you for coming onto my blog.

Please keep your eyes peeled for my up coming ePetition that I will be starting soon.

I tell my story and share my blog to inform you all I will soon be campaigning to send a petition to Parliament to in turn be directed to The Department Of Health to review current practices in ECVs and to extend the monitoring time before and more importantly after an ECV procedure, I believe mothers and their unborn babies should be monitored overnight. I will also be requesting a review into the data on risks of ECV and to make sure my daughters death is acknowledged in data and statistics. I want ALL risks, including this apparent new risk, clearly outlined on every leaflet and website for ECV.

I would appreciate as many shares and signatures as possible.

At the moment we have a lot going on for Rebecca, looking into as many avenues as we can to get some sort of justice for Rebecca. I will not allow my daughters death to be brushed under the carpet by the NHS . My daughter didn’t just die.